Wimbledon

Tennis officials are considering a new code of conduct for crowd behaviour at the championships. As most of the crowd is made up of middle class, middle aged ladies who have probably never attended a live sporting event before and probably think its ok to engage in ad-hoc shouting and chanting, officials have had to act to ensure that the traditional level of idiocy is maintained.




Bill Weresford, an avid tennis viewer and first time Wimbledon attendee gave his view:

I have never been to a live event before and thought it was ok to shout tips to the players such as "run around the ball and use your backhand". I had not appreciated that this was committing a major faux-pas. I only realised my mistake when an official handed me a copy of the rules for crowds at Wimbledon. After I had read these I felt fine with shouting "Come on Andy" along with the rest of the crowd. The nice thing was that this sort of encouragement can be used even when Andy is losing!

You don't see this sort of idiocy at the football

The new code of conduct includes such suggestions as:

• Please shout "Come on (insert name of current player)" at any time apart from just when the player is about to serve although sometimes it is acceptable for one person to do this.
• When the slightest inane moment happens ensure that you laugh as if its the funniest thing you have ever seen, examples include but are not limited to; pigeons landing on the court, a ball landing where it shouldn't, ball boys falling over, sneezing.
• Slow hand clap during a review, even when it is not a crucial call.
• Wear stupid headgear to ensure maximum exposure to your idiocy when watching a televised match.
• Scream if a rally lasts longer than 10 shots. 

It is hoped that this new code can help keep the Wimbledon crowd in check and maintain their position as the number one annoyance on BBC over the summer (except when there is a major football tournament on and Mark Lawrenson takes this crown).

If the new code is deemed a success, it is hoped that other sports can adopt the same approach and we see an outbreak of knotted hankies and knitting at stadiums such as Anfield and the Greenhaus.