Tuesday, 10 July 2012

New Olympic Sport?

As we approach the games, it looks like a new sport will be admitted just in time. This new Olympic event has been named 'Bloody High Street!'

At the trial event carried out in Preston (of all places) today, it was evident that there was still a few teething troubles that games organisers have to resolve before the big event.
The object of the sport appears to be how many times someone walking at a normal pace can bump into human obstacles on a high street. The human obstacles role is to constantly wander around the street aimlessly. This aimless walking can take the form of the following:

  • Walking very slowly - on purpose
  • Heading for the exit of a shop and then stopping abruptly - right in the doorway
  • Sudden unexplained changes of direction
  • Standing in random places like the bottom of escalators looking oblivious
She has no bloody idea where to go next

The trial event was a qualified success, however there did appear to be some lack of understanding over how many human obstacles are required to qualify for an Olympic event. Bill Weresford, 'Bloody High Street' expert explains:
"What was evident today was that far too many human obstacles were let loose onto the track on Fishergate in Preston. Our hopeful Olympic champion was bumping into obstacles or to give them their correct title 'idiots' all over the place. London has got to get this sorted or Oxford Street is going to be carnage and the whole thing will be a farce. Its one thing to let a couple of old biddies out for the day but quite another when you mix in mothers with prams, groups of school girls and inconsiderate office workers. It'll never work"
So there it is, the sort of Olympic event that even rank amateurs can practice for every day on any given high street - probably.


  1. Will the event retain the exciting Primark time trial stage Mr Wheeler?

    Sincerely, Mr Weresford

    1. Well you should know being the expert on this new exciting event. Can you comment on the 'avoiding being upsold to in Smiths or Game hurdles'?

  2. Let's not forget the 'Frogger' variant of this fine sport where the track width is reduced to a size commensurate with the aisle of a supermarket and the contestant must dodge the 'idiots' whilst making forward progress. Never underestimate the ability of a stability-challenged pensioner to seemingly block a 5 foot wide space using only their 1 foot wide withered, tottering lavendar-scented carcass.